Romney Comes Out as Rich Jerk, Millions Shocked

“Now that I’ve come out, money and I can finally express our love in public” Romney said. - photo by bora buyuktimkin

Cody Donahue

Americans across the nation were shocked this weekend when Republican nominee Mitt Romney, long rumored to be “not the nicest guy,”S revealed to the world that he is, in fact a rich asshole. “Yes, the rumors are true,” Romney said at a five-course press conference slash fundraiser this Sunday. “I am a proud, terrible, filthy rich man. And I will not hide behind lies of caring any longer.”

His wife and five children, who reportedly bribed and pushed their way through the crowd as a show of support for their father, then joined Romney on the podium. “We’re all just so proud of him for coming out,” Ann Romney said tearfully as the audience applauded. “And for those of you who don’t approve, I just want to say, we are entitled to our love. But not like poor people who want entitlements like government ‘by the people’ and ‘health care.’

Romney said that the decision to come out as “an unrepentant douche” was one that just seemed right to him. “I’m not ashamed of who I am,” Romney said. “Hell, I’ve never tried to hide it. Seriously. You can’t have been surprised by this turn of events. Does anyone read the news anymore?”

Still, it’s an announcement that caught the world unaware, and some say that it may hurt his chances in the upcoming election. “Yes, I’m sure we’ve had plenty of closeted rich asshole presidents before,” said pundit Gary Matthews. “But actually admitting it – well, it just makes the electorate picture Romney skinny-dipping in his wavepool of money, and that’s not something we want to know about.”

“I’m definitely not going to support Romney any longer,” Missouri native Aaron Burns said. “It was bad enough last week, when out of nowhere he started saying insulting things that correlate with his party platform, like he’s a Republican now or something. But admitting that he’s rich? That’s just the last straw.”

“I wasn’t going to vote for Romney,” 16-year-old Aaron Rothman said. “But now I’m really not going to vote for him.”

Still, some insinuate that Romney is not telling the whole story. “If I were a rich asshole, the first thing I’d do is release my taxes,” Ronald Baker said. “I’m beginning to think that Romney just doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“So yeah,” he added, “he’s got my vote.”

Romney later chose to address his electorate in a final appeal. “Look, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes,” he said. “I’m not perfect. One year, I even paid more taxes that I wanted to. I know I haven’t always been the pinnacle of conceited, arrogant, money-hoarding perfection that you all require from me. But if you just elect me, I promise, I will represent America as most Americans do — just as poorly as this great nation deserves.”

“Uh, wonderfully, of course. That’s what I should have said,” he added. “God damn it, why do I have to keep saying what I think?”

Romney doesn’t believe that his general inability to interact favorably abroad and his gross misunderstanding of taxes and the people who should and should not pay them should have any bearing on the election. “Look, if we’re going to bring ‘personalities’ into this race, then Obama has stome answering to do as well,” Romney said. “For instance, he sometimes signs his tweets with a lowercase ‘bo.’ Who does he think he is? His dog?”